Courtney's Diary

Courtney wrote a new article for xoJane.com.

Courtney's Diary: I'm Starting Films Again!

I know the Hollywood rules: Never spill beans, ever. Mouth-zip. Get to the point. No drugs. Stay humble. Stay tuned in.

On the music front, we finally found a female bassist who is awesome, can't wait for you to see. My new band starts in earnest later this year, but that's all I can say about that for now.

While we wait for the music stuff to become official I am banging out this memoir. The working title is And She's Not Even Pretty. It's a little negative, but I love it. I used to not be pretty, and now I finally feel like all of me-- not the totally self-conscious, non-pretty me that I'm known for in the public eye.

My friend Peter Brandt found an old Interview magazine from when Andy [Warhol] "discovered" me about six weeks before he died. He did a double page spread in that issue and Peter sent it to me. He put me on his show and Debbie Harry introduced me as "our flamboyant new superstar discovery."

I just keep thinking about Andy Warhol’s “15 minutes" -- that was 34 YEARS AGO! God! By the way, I thought I was so homely, I couldn't watch it.

I'm starting films again! All I can say is thank you, Ronnie Meyer for your priceless mitzvah and Brian Lourd for your priceless advice. The next step will be to meet my agent. This time, no agent hopping, no listening to upper class boyfriends trying to tame me into “Mrs. Senator Wasp.” I can't call someone my agent until we've shaken hands. All these endless, "You were so great in Larry Flynt" leave me cold. I'll talk about why I "resigned" from film in 2001 some other time.

But I want you all to know -- I left it [films], it didn't leave me. In other words I wasn't the dumped. I know everyone, except a rare few, see film acting as some sort of “movie star dream” and why walk away? I wanted to. Because my soul wasn't in it.

Then I saw a little Sean Penn film and it shook me. It shook me and I felt like Sean is a soul brother. Like, I'd call him if I was ever really in real trouble. Sean and I share so many traits, it's sort of insane. I look up to him and Stipe and Bono, those three, like I do Patti [Smith]. Like soul brothers and an aunt (well, Marianne Faithfull too). Sean made acting on film.

Before I film anything, I dream of entering Julian Schnabels' compound. Julian had a lot to do with this moment in my soul where I decided film acting and Rock and Roll are close to one another. This moment when I feel brave enough to go back into the fray, and, as I was saying, "pretty enough.”

I have yet to face all my demons and conquer my final two addictions: smoking and sleeping pills. Considering how far I have come, I don't think these are too horrible, but I feel too dependent on them since I'm "sober." They [sleeping pills] do help a lot of other addicts. But it seems pretty hypocritical to need sleeping help.

Tony Robbins (the coolest man ever) has been truly helpful and a saint. I spent 27 hours in the air to get to the Gold Coast for a "date with destiny" with him. There were dozens of languages being spoken, thousands of people, 16 hour days, his stamina is insane! These six days absolutely changed my life, along with my spiritual practice of chanting “Nam myoho renge kyo” the lotus sutra -- I believe, is the best one and completely effective. (I know this because if I don't chant, stuff like landlady goes rogue.)

What does all of this have to do with my return to acting? Time with this guy (Tony Robbins) is precious, so I asked him, "Do I have the capacity in this lifetime to come back and do what I just saw Sean do?" He thought and slowly spelled out the three things I had to do.

The scariest I already did. The second depended on a publicist who declined to represent me due to another person’s then personal life, odd. Then again, I'm stigmatized. But I do bring "the magic." Plus, I'm a "good girl." I do pretty much as I'm told.

I know the Hollywood rules: Never spill beans, ever. Mouth-zip. Get to the point. No drugs. Stay humble. Stay tuned in. Work a tight spiritual and recovery program. (Rock rules are different, art world rules -- different again.)

All in all I'm a pretty happy camper. This all sounds like The Hobbit, right? “Go do these three things and then you'll do film acting again." It's all pretty ridiculous, especially in terms of time. Thirty-four years since Warhol "discovered" me! The business of show!

Coming up: My sex life + my favorite perfumes